I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
