there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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