How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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