I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I want is dick and wine.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
