I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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