I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize