I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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