There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize