I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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