I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
