I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
