In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
