im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
