so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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