WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
