She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
