im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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