8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
