I think my fart just growled at me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
