woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
