FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
