The maid of honor just puked.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
