Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize