when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
