You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
