garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
