My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
