I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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