My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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