I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
