Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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