Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
