So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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