dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
