I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
