He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
