I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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