Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
