how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
