turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize