If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
