Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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