My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you had me at cake vodka
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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