I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
