When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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