I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
