just tell him i said nine months
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize