Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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