Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
