Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
