you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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