is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You pole danced in your parka.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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