I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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