The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
