The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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