watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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