she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
