Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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