my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
