Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
