My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
