its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
