When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
