i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
