Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
