So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
