I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
